Man Denies Owning Bag of Crack, Found in His Own Butt

It all started when Raymond Roberts was pulled over in his Hyundai by the Manatee County, FL (yes, that's a real place), sheriff's office on Wednesday for speeding. When the cops approached his car, it apparently reeked of weed, so they made the 25-year-old get out of the car for a search. From the Smoking Gun:

During the search, when Deputy Sean Cappiello "felt a soft object in the crack of his buttocks," the suspect "began to tense up." Roberts volunteered to remove the item. “Let me get it, hold on” he said, and proceeded to place a "clear plastic baggie with a green leafy substance" on the car's hood.

It was 4.5 ounces of marijuana — though probably any situation in which a cop is groping around your butt crack would probably make you "tense up."

Roberts conceded that the weed was his, but the search didn't end there:

But, as the deputy reported, "I then searched his shorts again and felt another object that was in the crack of his buttocks. I pulled the object out from the exterior of his shorts and a clear plastic baggie with a white rock substance fell to the ground." This plastic bag, a test would later determine, contained 27 pieces of crack cocaine.

Roberts was quick to clarify the ownership situation. "The white stuff is not mine," he said. "But the weed is." Just because a bag of drugs is in your ass doesn't mean you own it. (It could be your son's, for example, and you are just about to mouth kiss it to him.) The crack cocaine had just been left in the car by a friend, you see, and when the cops pulled him over he decided to do himself and his friend a favor and stick it up his butt. It actually makes perfect sense, when you think about it.